I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
