you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
