my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My boob is missing a layer of skin
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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