I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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