everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
