And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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