sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
