haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
