when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
