...so i touched it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
