i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
