someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
