I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
