so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
