Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
my shit smells like andre
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
