Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
