I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
