do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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