i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
