Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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