Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
