When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
