Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
They have beer where we have blood.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
