Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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