You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
