how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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