His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
