Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
