Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
