i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
two words...techno handjob
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Randomize
