sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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