An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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