Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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