I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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