and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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