Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
