All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
