Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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