she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I want a musical about memes.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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