i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
