Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
