I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
