I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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