Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
