hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
