how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
