i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
