yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
