i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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