Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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